ten oh-two oh-seven

last night my ex drove up to stay over for today's court appearance.

it did not go the way either one of us expected.

we got up there at eight-forty and sat in the court room, waiting for the lawyer to show up and speak with us before the judge came in from his chambers and court was in session.

what the lawyer did call us out to speak to us, separately, i had no idea what he'd told rob, since he spoke to him first.. but when he asked to see me, he stated quite bluntly that the state was going after one-hundred and twenty-eight dollars a week, twenty-six dollars a week for back childsupport, and three-hundred and ten dollars for court costs.

i was shocked.

rob was stupified and devastated.

what the state of arkansas effectively did was take his earnings after taxes and cut them almost completely in half. all i expected and hoped to recieve was the two hundred dollars a month we had agreed on when i left him. instead, the court granted what the state went after.

my first reaction after the initial shock was.. yay.. i can breathe again. there will be money for food -and- gas for the car.. and enough left over that i'll be able to put several hundred back a month. my second reaction was.. oh god, what is this going to do to rob? .. and the most recent resulting reaction is guilt over the whole thing. if i hadn't gone to re-enroll brenna in the state medical insurance for this, arkansas would never have turned the case over to the child support enforcement office and gone after him like this.

i honestly don't know just what to think right now. i'm not counting on the money until i know whether he's actually going to be paying it or not. my mother seems to think he's going to quit his job, or find some way to get fired from it, just so that he doesn't have to pay. which would just end up with more trouble for him, seeing the state would put a warrant out for his arrest, and actively pursue it.

after a while, we started talking about options for him. he has more than a few warrants out on him already in mesquite and dallas, texas. all of these warrants are for stupid speeding tickets to no insurance/registration. all of these warrants should have been taken care of five years ago. he has a friend who offered to loan him the money to pay off his warrants entirely, on the condition that he paid him back in payments. he refused at the time for what ever reason popped into his head.. a mutual friend thought it was because he'd have to pay the loan back, and he's usually on the spot with him observations.

anyway.. the point is, with all these warrants out on him, he can't renew his expired license.. which is a valid form of i.d. needed to secure gainful employment. i suggested he talk to his friend to see if the offer was still open to pay his warrants off... so that he could get his license renewed and be able to start looking for better paying work, or a part-time second job. why would i suggest a second job? because my first husband was working three jobs at once to make ends meet, which was a responsible and adult thing to do, considering how old we were at the time. secondly, he's a single man with no girlfriend or activities that he pursues that would take time out of his day. he has the time he can commit to a second job. and if he did it smartly, he could demand one day off of his choosing so that it would coincide with his primary work off days.. thereby providing him with at least one full day off to be able to recharge.

it was an option.. and not one that he really wanted to hear. but i had to say it.

rob is a good person at heart. he is one of the kindest men i know. he just never really grew up and accepted that life gave you responsibilities as you grew older that you had to step up to the plate and deal with. i think he's finally seeing that.. what with the mass warrants and now childsupport.

i honestly hope he doens't break under this. i hope he finally starts growing up.. it's past time for it, and you can't keep a childish mindset forever if you expect to succeed in life. i didn't ask for what the court granted.. but i'm not going to turn it down, either. i've worked hard for the past four years to support the twins and give them everything they needed, and some of the things they've wanted. when i wasn't working, it was my mother doing this... but only on the condition that i continue searching for work and bettering myself by going to college. (that's the next thing on my life goals list.) well, i found work, and i've been struggling completely from month to month to provide the basic necessities for the twins.... and on top of that.. remember that i gave up custody of my elder two children so that they would be provided properly for, as well. that was the hardest decision i have ever had to make.. one that i have regretted making, constantly.. and one that i will have to live with for the rest of my life.

maybe it's time i did get a little breathing room.. where i know that if the car breaks down, i can afford to get it fixed, and not buckle financially under the burden of it. -that- gives me a peace of mind that i need.

finally.. it's eight weeks and four days now, until j gets here. yay! and while he's here in december, i'm going to get my passport. i already have plans on how to use my tax return next year.... considering i'll get four and a half to five thousand dollars back. i'm going to holland to meet his family and see where he lives. who knows what will come of that... j is hoping i like it enough to move... and maybe i will.. but that's for the future to decide.

right now, i'll just pray the child support starts regularly soon, and hold out for decmeber first to get here when i'll finally be able to hold my fiance in my arms again.