oh.my.god.

i got home from work to find a message beeping on my home phone. i ignored it while tucking the twins into bed and relieving my bladder. i'm glad i did both of those things before i heard the message.

my ex called.

not the twins' father.. because , that would have just been a moronic speed-bump in my day.

nooooo

no, my first ex called.

he asked me if i was sitting down. we all know this means bad juju is coming.. right?

so i sat down, and he laid it out flat for me. our daughter... my oldest girl child.. was caught smoking pot at school. they didn't actually catch her in the act.. but after the act, she was feeling sick to her stomach.. and went to throw up a year's worth of breakfast in the girl's room. that's where the school nurse found her.

of course.. no matter how often you tried to get rid of the smell when you were a teenager.. pot has a pretty unique scent. it doesn't mask very well... and with the sickness and that smell, shit hit the fan.

the school something-or-other policeman was called into it.. there will be criminal proceedings in a juvinile court for possession of a controlled substance. her boyfriend.. BOYFRIEND... will likely have contributing to the delinquency of a minor in the very least tacked on to his offense.. not to mention possession of a controlled substance on school grounds.. and i'm sure several other things just to round it all off.

on top of this, her BOYFRIEND (who is seventeen years old, to her fourteen years) has been giving her lortab for mouth pain. where i can see this as a small breach of moral standing.. i can't quite forget it in light of the big shock of the century.

i had to.. absolutely had to ask her if she was having sex. i don't know whether she told me the truth or not.. but i heard what i wanted to hear, which was no.. she's still a virgin. buuuut.. if it had been me, i'd have been lying through my teeth at that point just to avoid an already explosive situation from going nuclear. i was talking with her on the phone and realized with a startling shock that... i couldn't trust a word coming out of her mouth.

for the first time in her life.. i do not trust my daughter. i now know how my parents felt when i came home drunk at the age of twelve. i never thought i'd understand why they were acting the way they were..... i guess "you reap what you sow" isn't just a catchy phrase the preacher man uses to damn you to hell for pissing in the pool.

i am shocked.. stunned.. and flabbergasted. and the only really clear thought in my head right now is... "Thank GOD SHE'S NOT PREGNANT""